Monster Inside Me

~ Sandi Staton

Monster Inside Me

Some call it depression

Anxiety disorder

Bi-polar

Crazy

I call it Monster

She-Devil

Demon from Hell

I don’t know where it came from or how it got here

But it’s been my lifelong tormentor

My constant companion of blood and tears

Anger and rage

Fear and loneliness

Sometimes it lurks quietly in the shadows deep within

Other times it nearly charges through my chest

Ripping my heart to shreds

I’ve pretended all my life that it doesn’t exist

Who could love me if they ever saw the Monster inside me

Who would understand

Who would care

But I grew weary of hiding in the shadows of fear

Of pretending to be something I’m not

Of forever running from the truth

So I looked it square in the eyes and made peace with it

I admit that a Monster lives inside me

That I hurt others

That I am flawed

That I’m not always in control of my zillion emotions

That I don’t always like or understand myself

That I am not always the person I strive to be

But I thank God that He opened my eyes to the truth

That He loves me in spite of myself

That He will always be there for me

And that He is patiently taming the Monster inside me

~Sandi

Published by Sandi Staton

So, I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to describe myself to you, and these are the words jumping up and down in my heart: I'm just a simple human being living in a complicated, messed-up world. I speak my mind. I love hard. My feelings run deep. When push comes to shove, I stand my ground. Sometimes I push back. Sometimes I walk away. I've surfed the crashing waves of life that threatened to destroy me only to make me stronger. I bear the scars of emotional rape, sadness, and depression. I've walked the golden streets of churches and religion only to be disappointed time and time again. And as a result, it's taken me seventy-five years to get where I'm sitting today; a sinner saved by grace through the blood of Jesus Christ. I fell at the cross. I repented of my sins, and Jesus saved and washed me clean. I still fall flat on my face. I still get dirty as a pig in a mudhole. And Jesus still picks me up, dries my tears, forgives me again and again, and continues walking close beside me. No one has ever loved me like that. And no one ever will.