Worrywart

~ Sandi Staton

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Sorry mom
But when it comes to worrywarts
I inherited them all from you
How well I remember you wringing your hands
Pacing the floor
Picking your fingers till they bled
I remember you dumping your worries on total strangers
And me slumping my shoulders and hanging my head in shame
I remember the panic in your eyes
When the bill collectors came knocking
And there was no money to pay
I remember daddy sitting with his head in his hands
As you yelled at him for his everlasting failures
And I remember how helpless I felt
Going to school every day
Worrying about passing my Math test
Or learning my multiplication tables
Or what the kids thought about me
Or the teachers
Or the bus driver
Or the janitor
I worried about being embarrassed in class
I worried about being sent to the principal’s office
I worried about coming home with telltale signs of red lipstick
And your shaking finger and endless sermon
I worried that I could never do anything right
That everything was spinning out of control
And no one was there to stop it
To help me understand and to trust that things will be okay
That the sky isn’t falling
That it’s just a bad break in the weather
That the thunder and lightning and torrential rain would stop
And the sun will come out again
But that never happened in my house
Or in school
Or in church
Or anywhere
So
Here I am, Lord
Covered with warts of worry that have controlled my life
My thinking
My belief’s
My view of the world and the people in it
And as hard as I try
I can’t stop thinking that maybe if I worry long and hard enough
The horrific things I fear will not happen
They’ll just disappear
Poof!
And my world will forever be safe and secure
See how crazy I am Lord
I know you’ll take care of me
But I also know that you allow pain and difficulties in my life
And I’m afraid that you’ll take a loved one close to me
And that the grief will swallow me whole
And that I’ll be left totally alone
Consumed with these excessive
Stupid
Ugly
Worrywarts!
So
Help me, Lord
I don’t want to be like this
We’ve come so far together
And I know you’re not finished with me yet
Although I think you should be by now!
But as long as I have breath and a sound mind
And as long as I keep trusting you
I know you’ll keep wielding your big shiny knife
Cutting away my worrywarts
One ugly wart at a time

“Who of you by worrying can add a single hour to his life?”
Matthew 6:27

Published by Sandi Staton

So, I'm sitting here trying to figure out how to describe myself to you, and these are the words jumping up and down in my heart: I'm just a simple human being living in a complicated, messed-up world. I speak my mind. I love hard. My feelings run deep. When push comes to shove, I stand my ground. Sometimes I push back. Sometimes I walk away. I've surfed the crashing waves of life that threatened to destroy me only to make me stronger. I bear the scars of emotional rape, sadness, and depression. I've walked the golden streets of churches and religion only to be disappointed time and time again. And as a result, it's taken me seventy-five years to get where I'm sitting today; a sinner saved by grace through the blood of Jesus Christ. I fell at the cross. I repented of my sins, and Jesus saved and washed me clean. I still fall flat on my face. I still get dirty as a pig in a mudhole. And Jesus still picks me up, dries my tears, forgives me again and again, and continues walking close beside me. No one has ever loved me like that. And no one ever will.