Inspirational · Relationship · Writing

Happy Father’s Day, Daddy

Okay, daddy, since we never went on a coffee date before or even shared an intimate moment anywhere together for that matter, I’m taking you out. Just in my mind of course; you’d never come any other way.

So where’s it going to be, Starbuck’s? I forgot, Instant Nescafe’ hot water straight from the spigot with creamer and sugar in that coffee-stained cup you yelled at me for thoughtlessly washing one day. Okay then, let’s just have coffee in the kitchen in the old house where we used to live a long time ago, doesn’t matter to me. I just want to talk to you.

I’m sorry for my rebellion during those troublesome adolescent years. I was just a kid and didn’t understand your cryptic silence. And on those rare occasions when you decided to break the code of silence, I didn’t understand your joking and kidding. I thought you were making fun of me and that you didn’t like me. That hurt me deeply and I wanted to hurt you back.

I just wish that one time you had held me in your arms and said you were sorry; that you had poked your head into my shattered world and see how much I needed your encouragement and love and protection. Instead, you crawled into a tomb of apathy; dead to my fears and troubled emotions.

There’s so many things you didn’t know about me like; how I wanted to be a daddy’s girl; for you to tell me that I was beautiful and smart and funny; for you to have met my first date at the front door with a Smith and Wesson and stood up to my X-husband the first time he hit me. When my baby was born too early and I thought he would die, I wanted you to hold me and tell me everything would be okay. But, you never did.

But, that’s okay daddy, I didn’t invite you here to condemn you; I’ve done enough of that throughout my life. I just want you to know that in spite of your lack of concern, I learned to stand on my own two feet, fight my own battles, and communicate my deepest feelings. I faced the demons of anger and rage, and overwhelming feelings of rejection. I’ve learned to cope with loneliness, anxiety and depression.

So thank you for meeting with me today and allowing me one fragmented moment of the rest of your time in eternity. And before you fade into the shadows of my mind, I want you to know that I’m glad you were my dad; that without realizing it you made me determined to love my son the way I wanted you to love me. And because of that, I am reaping a bountiful harvest of love and joy and happiness through him and his growing, loving family.

So thanks, daddy. Happy Father’s Day

 

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