Diggin’ Up Bones

While letting the dogs out this morning I frowned at the holes Bella, our greyhound mix, has dug in the backyard. I don’t know what she’s digging for, bugs, probably, but I don’t like it, especially when I nearly break my neck stepping in one of them.

It got me to thinking, though, about my digging adventure. Not in the backyard, although that would have been much easier, less time-consuming, and a lot less painful. No, I picked up my shovel of determination and began digging up bones buried deep beneath a ton of hurt, anger, and confusion. Of course, God orchestrated the ordeal, otherwise, I never would have done it. But first, He had to do something to open my eyes real wide.

I’ll never forget the day I got zapped; sanctified, the preacher called it. Doesn’t matter to me what it’s called, I got a bath. Well, my heart and mind did. Don’t worry, I’m not going to get all religious on you. I’m just going to try my darndest to show my deepest feelings and my personal experience with God. It doesn’t matter if you believe it or not. It happened. I felt it. It changed my life.

My heart was as battered and broken as a fatal car wreck. My mind was a cesspool of depression, anger, rage, panic attacks, social anxiety disorder, noise phobia, mood swings, all adding up to Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). Of course, I didn’t have a clue what all that stinking garbage was called, I just knew the hellish torment it was causing in my life and I wanted to know why. That’s when I became a digger. And that’s when everything got much worse before it got better.

Mom didn’t like the idea of my digging up the past because she didn’t want to face or feel responsible for the role she played in it. Daddy didn’t care one way or the other and my sister and brothers chose a destructive path to deal with their pain. So, that left me, the crazy one in the family to go digging for the painful truth for my sanity. And because mom was the fuse that lit the dynamite inside me, I severed all ties with her for six, long years. Did I feel guilty? Did I care what people thought? Did I cry my eyes out? Did I agonize over whether I was doing the right thing? YES! But that was my first, gut-wrenching giant step toward freedom.

With the sole support of my husband and my son, I began psychological therapy sessions once a week for two years as well as months of counseling sessions with my pastor. But, my number one Hero in teaching and leading me to the truth, is God. He is the only One who knew and completely understood my unbearable pain. He’s been there every step of the way. And I have to tell you, I’ve never known such love from anyone on this earth. And it’s His steadfast love and encouragement, His longing to set me free, that kept me digging up those ugly, dry bones buried in the darkest recesses of my mind, heart, and soul.

In the end, instead of casting blame on him and her and this and that, I took full responsibility for my lack of understanding, my anger, and rage, my unforgiveness, my stupidity, my choices. It was no longer about what happened to me but how I responded to it. It was no longer about the unfairness of being controlled and manipulated by guilt and shame and being my mother’s scapegoat and feeling emotionally raped. It was no longer about making excuses, getting revenge, seeking justice, but about healing and forgiveness. I wanted to break the chains of the past, to be free, to think for myself, to decide my fate, to be happy in spite of my brokenness. I wanted to learn more about God, about myself, about what having an abundant life means that God promises His children (John 10:10b).

There were times I wanted to give up. There were times I did give up. There were times I wished I had never been born. But I always got back up and kept going. And like a loving father rewarding his child, God turned my tears to joy. He never left me stranded. Through the darkest, scariest tunnel, He never left my side.

Am I there yet? NOPE! The journey will never end for me this side of Heaven. But I will never stop moving forward in my quest for freedom, knowledge, and understanding.

I still struggle with depression, anger, and rage. I still have a ton of anxieties; some days worse than other days. I still wish that I could know what normal feels like for five minutes. But I’m a better me today than I ever was before. I finally know, without a shadow of a doubt that God loves me . . . He really loves me! I am His precious daughter, the apple of His eye, and He always wants what’s best for me. I didn’t do anything nor could I ever do anything to deserve it, that’s just the way God is.

Taste and see that the Lord is good; blessed is the one who takes refuge in Him (Psalms 34:8).

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

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19 responses

  1. You stated — “I still struggle with depression, anger, and rage. I still have a ton of anxieties; some days worse than other days. I still wish that I could know what normal feels like for five minutes. But I’m a better me today than I ever was before. I finally know, without a shadow of a doubt that God loves me”

    My response — Is what you stated the evidence of that love?

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    • The evidence of that love is this: God never promised anyone life without struggles and hardships but He promises never to leave us or forsake us. Through my struggles, God revealed Himself to me and I saw and I feel and I know how much He loves me. You, obviously don’t think that a loving God would allow people to go through pain. But my loving God sent His only Son to suffer and die on a rugged cross for a sinful world so that we can have eternal life of joy and happiness with Him one day. Have you read the Bible? If so, did Jesus have a struggle-free life? From the moment He was born, the king wanted to kill Him. God ment for us to have a perfect life here on earth, but Adam and Eve blew it for us. Now, we live in a world of sin where Satan seeks to destroy.
      https://newspring.cc/articles/6-things-satan-wants-for-your-life So, yes. I have strong, personal evidence that God loves me. It’s not my problem if you don’t believe it. Taste and see for yourself that God is good (Psalm 34:8).

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      • You stated — “I still struggle with depression, anger, and rage. I still have a ton of anxieties; some days worse than other days. I still wish that I could know what normal feels like for five minutes. But I’m a better me today than I ever was before. I finally know, without a shadow of a doubt that God loves me”

        I asked this question — “Is what you stated the evidence of that love?”

        Your answer was — “God never promised anyone life without struggles and hardships but He promises never to leave us or forsake us. Through my struggles, God revealed Himself to me and I saw and I feel and I know how much He loves me.”

        My response — So the evidence is that you saw and felt him. Thanks for the feedback I was curious what you meant.

        You also stated — “You, obviously don’t think that a loving God would allow people to go through pain.”

        My response — Your statement seems nonsensical since there is Hell. How did you come to the conclusion anyone would think that? Your statement is very curious.

        You asked — “Have you read the Bible?”

        My response — I do online articles from deep dives into Bible scripture. I also have a 3D online Bible Database I have been constructing from Bible study. I hope this helps with what you are looking for.

        You asked — “did Jesus have a struggle-free life?’

        My response — Given that he was tortured and then hung on a cross this question seems self answering but the answer would be; He had a life that any normal human would call an extreme challenge with struggle, pain and suffering.

        You stated — “God meant for us to have a perfect life here on earth”

        My response — Are you saying that God was unable to provide the initial life he wanted? In my religion God is always in control. Nothing happens without his power or approval. Your religion is very curious to me so we will have to agree to disagree on this view of God.

        You stated — “Now, we live in a world of sin where Satan seeks to destroy.”

        My response — This seems a bit out of place. Before Adam and Eve caused original sin wasn’t Satan in the world seeking to destroy it? When you say “Now” it seems like you are leaving out “Also then and before”

        You sent a link — “Six Things the Devil Wants for Your Life”

        My response — There are far more than 6. I would beware any site that over simplifies the enemies capability and goals.

        You stated — “So, yes. I have strong, personal evidence that God loves me. It’s not my problem if you don’t believe it.”

        My response — That is a strange statement but I will address it as best I can. Everyone has their own evidence or understanding but I’m not sure why you would think I don’t believe you. On a side note it doesn’t really matter if I believe you since the truth is relative to the individual. You should be free to believe and not have to worry if someone else does or not. Since it seems important for you to understand my position on your beliefs all I can say is that you seem to me to be a real believer. I hope that helps.

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          • You asked — “Do you diasect people’s articles for a living?”

            My response — No. I do comment from time to time in forums to gain a deeper understanding of what is being stated. But only if it’s worth knowing in relation to something of importance.

            I really was only curious on one statement in your article. Everything else I read seemed easy to understand.

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        • Well, okay then. In answer to your question: — Are you saying that God was unable to provide the initial life he wanted? In my religion God is always in control. Nothing happens without his power or approval. Your religion is very curious to me so we will have to agree to disagree on this view of God.

          My response: I am saying that God has the power to do anything He wants but that He created man with a free will. Adam and Eve chose to disobey God’s one little command, completely destroying God’s perfect plan for their lives. God is all Mighty, all Powerful, but He never takes away His gift of free will. Man destroyed His perfect plan by choosing Satan’s lies over God’s truth. Satan told Eve she would not die, calling God a liar. God Told her if she ate of the Tree, she would die. She ate. We die. Thus, the plan of salvation; the Lamb of God, slaughtered on the cross to deliver us from the curse of death. God was, is, and always will be in control of all things. Satan only has the power that God allows him to have. And we, through the blood of Christ, have power over Satan.

          And concerning religion: I don’t like religion. Religion to me is like the scribes and pharisees, and being a Bible digger, you know how Jesus felt about them: Matthew 23:27-28 New International Version (NIV)
          27 “Woe to you, teachers of the law and Pharisees, you hypocrites! You are like whitewashed tombs, which look beautiful on the outside but on the inside are full of the bones of the dead and everything unclean. 28 In the same way, on the outside you appear to people as righteous but on the inside you are full of hypocrisy and wickedness.

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  2. Hi Sandi. Several of us on scrapbook.com have been missing you for awhile and I found your blog on your profile so I looked you up. I read your latest posting and it brought tears to my eyes. You are absolutely right about our loving God and what he does for us. We don’t deserve it and it is freely given. May God continue to bless you in your journey and I pray He will heal you completely mentally and physically. Ro Ulbricht has been using your images in some of her cards and given you credit and wondered what had happened to you. I will share your link with her so she can read it too. A few years ago I used some of your images and have saved several to use in the future. They are so precious.

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    • Hi, Elizabeth. Thank you so much for your kind words. Yes, it’s been a difficult, lifelong struggle that seems to never end. But God has revealed so much of Himself to me through it that all I can do is thank Him and praise Him. It’s nice to be missed. I promise, I will return because I miss you guys, too. Thank you for taking your time to contact me. ~Sandi

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