Set Boundaries. Your Heart Will Thank You for it.

I’m a full-blooded, empath people-pleaser with a built-in pain detector. A complete stranger can pour out their heart to me, and tears gush from my eyes like Niagara Falls. Sometimes, I even feel guilty, as if it were my fault somehow. And I always, always, always want to dive in and fix it.

People love empath, people-pleasers. Right? They will stick to them like glue, treat them like royalty, and never, ever leave them stranded in a dark and lonely place. Right?

WRONG!

People with a false sense of entitlement love to be pleased by people-pleasers. They love controlling, confusing, and gaslighting them, making them feel helpless and believing they could never live without them. The world is full of predators like that. And they can crop up in the least expected places.

I think my first introduction to reality was when I bought a car from this guy recommended by a friend. The only problem was, he needed a few weeks to get it up and running. I was a single mom in much need of a car with a motor and four wheels. But what I got were empty promises from a jerk who took my hard-earned cash, and built himself a Nomad, dream car using the parts from the phantom car I bought, and skipped town, never to be seen or heard from again.

Was I angry? Not one bit. I just wanted to wrap my fingers around his scrawny neck and choke him till his eyeballs popped out of his head and rolled across the floor! I just wanted to hammer his brains out, rip off his arms and legs, and drag him to a den of starving lions. . . Over and over again!

Still, my stubborn, fearful heart refused the silly notion of setting boundaries. Besides, Christians aren’t supposed to have boundaries. Christians are supposed to turn the other cheek, wash people’s dirty feet with their tears, and keep giving away their soul.

But, where does it say that in the Bible? Matthew 5:38, where Jesus says to turn the other cheek, is He telling His followers to be doormats, allowing others to walk all over us? Is He telling us to be weak and surrender to our abusers?

No. But that’s what my twisted, religious brain believed. Now, a thousand years and a million scars later, I believe that Jesus was and is teaching His followers to live in peace with one another; to hold on to our integrity by snuffing out the flames of revenge. Turn the other cheek and walk away. But, if they follow you, stand your ground. And if they come at you with a knife, fight like hell to protect yourself. That’s what I believe today.

But how do you set boundaries when you’ve never had them before? When you’re afraid that people will hate you for it and turn others against you because of it. How will you survive without your family and friends?

You start by saying no. No, I won’t allow you to hurt me anymore. No, I won’t be manipulated and controlled anymore. No, I refuse to bow down and kiss your feet just to keep you in my life when you’re killing me. No more crossing the line. No more sleepless nights. No more guilt and shame. No more! You choose to believe in yourself, to love and respect yourself, and to live in peace, with or without them.

My circle of friends is very small these days. And that’s the way I like it. The less people I have in my circle, the less stress I have in my life. And at my age, I don’t have much time left to waste on users and abusers.

I’m still an empath. I still enjoy pleasing others. But not for the same reasons anymore. The people I once allowed into my heart broke it to pieces. The scars run deep. Recovery has been long and painful, like crawling through a dark, slimy sewer with a zillion rats eating me alive. That’s when I finally woke up. When I finally realized that my own family was killing my soul. That’s when I put up a no trespassing sign and closed the gate and locked it. And that’s when the painful healing began.

With the heart of a lion, I endured all the ramifications of walking away; the glaring eyes, the shunning, the blame, the gossip, and overwhelming feelings of anger, hurt, and shame, hours spent questioning my sanity, and the fierce temptation to fall on my knees and beg forgiveness. The story of my life. But not this time. This is the time I break the chains and take back my life. This is when I dig deep into my troubled soul, scoop out my broken inner child and learn to love her. This is when I planted my heart in the rich soil of truth, watered it with my tears, and slowly began learning, forgiving, and growing.

What about you? Do you allow people to take advantage of you and hurt you over and over again? Do you grit your teeth and just bear it? Maybe it’s time to figure out why you keep allowing that abuse. Maybe it’s time to draw the line. Even if it hurts. And it will hurt like hell. You just gotta be tough and do it. If you don’t, you will never have the peace and satisfaction you long for.