Twas Best for Me

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lord
Remember when my husband and I first moved here
How I cried for weeks on end
For reasons only you could understand
Remember how trapped and isolated I felt
How uncertain and afraid
How utterly disappointed
Now
Decades later
Sitting here on my back porch
Embracing the cool morning breeze
Watching the birds
Joy skipping through my veins
I can’t imagine living anyplace else
Thank you for making me tough it out
For locking all the windows and doors
Making it impossible for me to run
Thank you
That in spite of my kicking and screaming against you
You continued loving me
Fixing me
Teaching me
Exposing the ghosts from the past
Unveiling the woman you created me to be before I lost my way
I know I’ve been a brat, Lord
Stomping my feet
Demanding my way
Pounding my fists when I didn’t get it
But thank you for not caving in
Thank you for not striking me dead!
Thank you for your tough love
Your sense of humor
Your strong arms
Your tender heart
And thank you
That in spite of everything I thought I wanted and demanded to have
You gave what was best for me

“My precious child, It’s not for you to understand what I am doing in your life.
I just want you to trust me.” 

And That’s Enough

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Lord
I have nothing to give in return for your love
For your healing touch
For your saving grace
How can I ever repay you for reaching down
And snatching my falling soul from the flames of Hell
There is nothing good in me
I’m just broken clay in your potter’s hands
That keeps jumping out
And falling down
And messing up
My love is conditional
My trust is fragile
My pride is haughty
Like a stubborn sheep
I run away
And you come looking for me
You scoop me up in your loving arms
You wipe away my foolish tears
You bind my bleeding wounds
You whisper love songs in my ears
Why
I don’t deserve you
My heart is reckless
My emotions are dangerous
My mind is a wandering river of fear and doubt
Anxiety and worry
So
Tell me
Lord
How can I possibly ever repay the tremendous debt I owe

“Oh, my precious, silly child. You have your heart
your mind, body, and soul, and that’s enough.”

 

Adios!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pain
You are no friend of mine
I don’t even like you
Why are you picking on this little old lady
You big bully
Shame on you
You plunged a knife into my back
You gripped my heart with fear
You made me cry then you laughed in my face
You watered down my painkillers
You stole my joy
My blissful moments on the back porch
With my husband
With my dog
With God
You poisoned my morning coffee
You deafened my ears to solace
You blinded my eyes to hope
You exposed my fragility
My nakedness
My pride
You nailed me to a splintered cross of agony and defeat
Well
The party’s over
You’ve had your fun
But you don’t own me
People are praying for me
God is helping me
And I feel you ebbing away
But before you go I want to thank you
For showing me that I am stronger than I thought
And that no matter how big you may think you are
My God is bigger
My faith is deeper
My hope is higher
So
Get along from whence you came
You’re cramping my style
I have a life to live
Grandbabies and great grandbabies to hold
Places to go and people to see
And you’re not welcome to tag along
So adios my torturous foe
And may we never meet again!

The Best Dad in the World

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The journey was long and tortuous

Like being stuck in quicksand

The harder I struggled to get out

The farther I was sucked down

Into a slimy pit of depression

Anger and rage

Visions of my dad were ever dancing before me

Like a blazing fire

Burning holes in my soul

Ravaging my spirit

Destroying every flicker of faith and trust

In God

In my dad

In the human race

Voices in my head condemned me

Punished me

Convinced me that I was worthless

Un-lovable

Unworthy

Feeling connected eluded me

Friendships lied to me

Love slipped through my fingers like burning sand

Night and day my heart cried out to God

But He seemed deaf

Cold and distant

Just like my dad

Hope flickered and died

My soul was a heap of ashes

The will to live was gone

Then

One dusky

Mystical morning

I was awakened from my slumber

And beside my bed

A shadowy figure stood

As if waiting for me to open my eyes

He whispered my name

He clasped my trembling hand

And through the smoldering fire of hurt and confusion

Anger and rage

He led me straight to God

Without hesitation

He opened His arms as wide as the ocean

Where I ran

And collapsed

And sobbed and sobbed

Love unimaginable ignited my soul

Cleansing my mind

Renewing my strength

My hope

My faith

And I knew

And I know

And I believe forever more

That God loves me

He really loves me!

Now my sighing soul is at rest

The scary ghosts are gone

And God

My Heavenly Father

Is forever by my side

Helping me

Teaching me

Encouraging me

Every minute of every day

I can’t tell you why He loves me so

I can’t tell you why He cares

But this one thing I can tell you

He is the best Dad in the world!

Till Death do us Part

I didn’t want another pet

Not that I don’t love animals

I do

As a tender-hearted kid

I rescued a skunk once

And wanted to keep it

Till it sprayed me

Then there were the two baby squirrels

That in spite of all my efforts to save them

They died

And I will never forget the huge tomcat

 With a nub for a tail

That completely stole my heart

He went on the prowl one night

And never returned

And there were puppies and kittens

And hamsters and guinea pigs

And a talking parakeet

All mysteriously went missing

Except for the parakeet

That got sick and died

Then

Not that long ago

Fate delivered to my doorstep

A rambunctious homeless mongrel

That wriggled his way into my heart

And broke it to pieces when he died

 That’s why I didn’t want another pet

You love them then they go missing or they die

Yet

Here I stand gazing into the dingy cage

Tears streaming down my face

Falling in love

With a floppy-eared

Skinny

Long-legged

Thirty-pound mutt

Her wet nose pressed against the heartless cage

Her soulful eyes pleading

Her tail wagging ferociously

And in spite of all the what if’s and’s and but’s

That stormed across my mind

My heart told me I couldn’t leave her

In this stinking noisy prison

Where her beautiful life

May soon be put to an ugly end

So I brought her home with me

To care for her

To play with her

To protect her

To stretch my patience to the outer limits

Through all the chewing

And pooping

And peeing on the floor

And the frenzied running and jumping

And boisterous demands

And to promise to love her

Till death do us part

Homesick

Lord,

I’m feeling kinda homesick for Heaven

Not that I’m in a hurry to leave my family and friends

And my dog

And the few treasures I’ve collected over the years

But it’s getting scary down here

Unpredictable

Nerve-wracking

And my decrepit body hurts

Everywhere

I echo the thoughts and feelings of my mother

And my grandmother

And every old person

Shuffling their way through this

 Cold and heartless world

Where gray hair and wrinkles

Are no longer a portrait of knowledge and wisdom

But a neon sign of senility and helplessness

Somewhere along the way

Honor and respect have shriveled and died

Like flowers in the desert

 My soul feels vulnerable

Confused

Forsaken

Trapped

A victim of circumstances

I am powerless to change

Living in a world

I do not trust

Walkin’ the green mile

With no one to hold my hand

So yeah, Lord

I’m feeling kinda homesick for Heaven

He Loved Me to Death

God gazed from heaven upon the earth

Through tears of remorse and disbelief,

His heart was pierced by transgressions of man

And was broken by sorrow and grief.

He cried to His Son, “What shall I do?

My children can’t go on like this,

For when it comes time for them to die,

My kingdom, they will surely miss.”

So, Father and Son both lovingly agreed

As they fathomed what must be done;

In order to save all the world from sin,

The Father must send down His Son.

So, Jesus came down as a tiny babe,

God’s perfect, loving gift to mankind;

In hopes that one day His words they would heed

And their eyes would no longer be blind.

Jesus was tender, so patient and kind

As He spoke of His Father’s love;

But many were they that refused to believe

That He was God’s Son from above.

After years of teaching and healing the sick,

The Savior’s hour had finally drawn near;

Fo the time had come, God’s will to be done,

Though the cup brought forth bitter tears.

He willingly gave His life on the cross

And bore much suffering, sin, and shame,

But many today still don’t understand

That is the reason He came.

But I believe with all of my heart

And want to give the Savior my best;

 It was for me that He shed His precious blood

For you see, He loved me to death.

Sandi

Broken Wings and Crooked Halos

I avoid calling myself a Christian these days

I’ve had to work too hard at trying to be one

Just when I thought I finally was one

I’d lose my temper

Fly into a fit of rage

Do and say un-Christian stuff

Feel guilty

Beat myself up

Get depressed

A never-ending cycle of madness

Sick to death of it all

I looked deep inside

Through all the muck and mire

Of judgment and ridicule

Of pride and self-righteousness

Of fake joy and happiness

And faced the stark reality

That I wasn’t a Christian

I was a broken mess

Just like all the other wanna-be Christians

Sitting in their padded pews

With their broken wings

And crooked halos

Finally

I called on God to fix me

To change me

To free me

To wash me clean

And He did

Now

I’m just a sinner saved by Grace

Free from the chains of religion

Of having to keep my halo straight

Of pretending to be something I’m not

Free to just be myself

While striving to be more like Him

 ~ Sandi

Fixer No More

As a committed Follower

I thought God expected me to fix things

Broken hearts

Broken relationships

Broken lives

Broken anything that was still breathing

But when I couldn’t

I’d sink into a slimy pit of depression

Where I became more broken

Than the ones I was trying to fix

Again and again

I’d try

Again and again

I’d fail

Till one day

Weary to the bone

God opened my eyes

And told me loud and clear

That those lofty expectations were not His

That He never gave me the authority to play God

And that He is the only One who can fix

All the brokenness in the world

What a relief to be rid of that cumbersome burden

To turn it all over to God

To let Him handle it from now on

What a relief to know that

All the brokenness I failed to fix

Is in His Mighty hands

I no longer have to worry about it

Never

Ever again

~ Sandi

Hope at the End of the Rainbow

Bludgeoned by sorrow and grief

My heart was mangled and bleeding

 No one could fix it

No one could ease the piercing pain

Comfort my soul

Calm my fears

No one could deliver hope for today

For tomorrow

Or ever

Then after the pouring rain

God appeared to me in a rainbow

Reminding me of His promises

His love and faithfulness

His ever-present nearness

His healing touch

 And in that moment

Hope was restored

And my battered heart began to heal

~ Sandi