Adios!

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Pain
You are no friend of mine
I don’t even like you
Why are you picking on this little old lady
You big bully
Shame on you
You plunged a knife into my back
You gripped my heart with fear
You made me cry then you laughed in my face
You watered down my painkillers
You stole my joy
My blissful moments on the back porch
With my husband
With my dog
With God
You poisoned my morning coffee
You deafened my ears to solace
You blinded my eyes to hope
You exposed my fragility
My nakedness
My pride
You nailed me to a splintered cross of agony and defeat
Well
The party’s over
You’ve had your fun
But you don’t own me
People are praying for me
God is helping me
And I feel you ebbing away
But before you go I want to thank you
For showing me that I am stronger than I thought
And that no matter how big you may think you are
My God is bigger
My faith is deeper
My hope is higher
So
Get along from whence you came
You’re cramping my style
I have a life to live
Grandbabies and great grandbabies to hold
Places to go and people to see
And you’re not welcome to tag along
So adios my torturous foe
And may we never meet again!

The Best Dad in the World

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

The journey was long and tortuous

Like being stuck in quicksand

The harder I struggled to get out

The farther I was sucked down

Into a slimy pit of depression

Anger and rage

Visions of my dad were ever dancing before me

Like a blazing fire

Burning holes in my soul

Ravaging my spirit

Destroying every flicker of faith and trust

In God

In my dad

In the human race

Voices in my head condemned me

Punished me

Convinced me that I was worthless

Un-lovable

Unworthy

Feeling connected eluded me

Friendships lied to me

Love slipped through my fingers like burning sand

Night and day my heart cried out to God

But He seemed deaf

Cold and distant

Just like my dad

Hope flickered and died

My soul was a heap of ashes

The will to live was gone

Then

One dusky

Mystical morning

I was awakened from my slumber

And beside my bed

A shadowy figure stood

As if waiting for me to open my eyes

He whispered my name

He clasped my trembling hand

And through the smoldering fire of hurt and confusion

Anger and rage

He led me straight to God

Without hesitation

He opened His arms as wide as the ocean

Where I ran

And collapsed

And sobbed and sobbed

Love unimaginable ignited my soul

Cleansing my mind

Renewing my strength

My hope

My faith

And I knew

And I know

And I believe forever more

That God loves me

He really loves me!

Now my sighing soul is at rest

The scary ghosts are gone

And God

My Heavenly Father

Is forever by my side

Helping me

Teaching me

Encouraging me

Every minute of every day

I can’t tell you why He loves me so

I can’t tell you why He cares

But this one thing I can tell you

He is the best Dad in the world!

Till Death do us Part

I didn’t want another pet

Not that I don’t love animals

I do

As a tender-hearted kid

I rescued a skunk once

And wanted to keep it

Till it sprayed me

Then there were the two baby squirrels

That in spite of all my efforts to save them

They died

And I will never forget the huge tomcat

 With a nub for a tail

That completely stole my heart

He went on the prowl one night

And never returned

And there were puppies and kittens

And hamsters and guinea pigs

And a talking parakeet

All mysteriously went missing

Except for the parakeet

That got sick and died

Then

Not that long ago

Fate delivered to my doorstep

A rambunctious homeless mongrel

That wriggled his way into my heart

And broke it to pieces when he died

 That’s why I didn’t want another pet

You love them then they go missing or they die

Yet

Here I stand gazing into the dingy cage

Tears streaming down my face

Falling in love

With a floppy-eared

Skinny

Long-legged

Thirty-pound mutt

Her wet nose pressed against the heartless cage

Her soulful eyes pleading

Her tail wagging ferociously

And in spite of all the what if’s and’s and but’s

That stormed across my mind

My heart told me I couldn’t leave her

In this stinking noisy prison

Where her beautiful life

May soon be put to an ugly end

So I brought her home with me

To care for her

To play with her

To protect her

To stretch my patience to the outer limits

Through all the chewing

And pooping

And peeing on the floor

And the frenzied running and jumping

And boisterous demands

And to promise to love her

Till death do us part

Homesick

Lord,

I’m feeling kinda homesick for Heaven

Not that I’m in a hurry to leave my family and friends

And my dog

And the few treasures I’ve collected over the years

But it’s getting scary down here

Unpredictable

Nerve-wracking

And my decrepit body hurts

Everywhere

I echo the thoughts and feelings of my mother

And my grandmother

And every old person

Shuffling their way through this

 Cold and heartless world

Where gray hair and wrinkles

Are no longer a portrait of knowledge and wisdom

But a neon sign of senility and helplessness

Somewhere along the way

Honor and respect have shriveled and died

Like flowers in the desert

 My soul feels vulnerable

Confused

Forsaken

Trapped

A victim of circumstances

I am powerless to change

Living in a world

I do not trust

Walkin’ the green mile

With no one to hold my hand

So yeah, Lord

I’m feeling kinda homesick for Heaven

He Loved Me to Death

God gazed from heaven upon the earth

Through tears of remorse and disbelief,

His heart was pierced by transgressions of man

And was broken by sorrow and grief.

He cried to His Son, “What shall I do?

My children can’t go on like this,

For when it comes time for them to die,

My kingdom, they will surely miss.”

So, Father and Son both lovingly agreed

As they fathomed what must be done;

In order to save all the world from sin,

The Father must send down His Son.

So, Jesus came down as a tiny babe,

God’s perfect, loving gift to mankind;

In hopes that one day His words they would heed

And their eyes would no longer be blind.

Jesus was tender, so patient and kind

As He spoke of His Father’s love;

But many were they that refused to believe

That He was God’s Son from above.

After years of teaching and healing the sick,

The Savior’s hour had finally drawn near;

Fo the time had come, God’s will to be done,

Though the cup brought forth bitter tears.

He willingly gave His life on the cross

And bore much suffering, sin, and shame,

But many today still don’t understand

That is the reason He came.

But I believe with all of my heart

And want to give the Savior my best;

 It was for me that He shed His precious blood

For you see, He loved me to death.

Sandi

Broken Wings and Crooked Halos

I avoid calling myself a Christian these days

I’ve had to work too hard at trying to be one

Just when I thought I finally was one

I’d lose my temper

Fly into a fit of rage

Do and say un-Christian stuff

Feel guilty

Beat myself up

Get depressed

A never-ending cycle of madness

Sick to death of it all

I looked deep inside

Through all the muck and mire

Of judgment and ridicule

Of pride and self-righteousness

Of fake joy and happiness

And faced the stark reality

That I wasn’t a Christian

I was a broken mess

Just like all the other wanna-be Christians

Sitting in their padded pews

With their broken wings

And crooked halos

Finally

I called on God to fix me

To change me

To free me

To wash me clean

And He did

Now

I’m just a sinner saved by Grace

Free from the chains of religion

Of having to keep my halo straight

Of pretending to be something I’m not

Free to just be myself

While striving to be more like Him

 ~ Sandi

Fixer No More

As a committed Follower

I thought God expected me to fix things

Broken hearts

Broken relationships

Broken lives

Broken anything that was still breathing

But when I couldn’t

I’d sink into a slimy pit of depression

Where I became more broken

Than the ones I was trying to fix

Again and again

I’d try

Again and again

I’d fail

Till one day

Weary to the bone

God opened my eyes

And told me loud and clear

That those lofty expectations were not His

That He never gave me the authority to play God

And that He is the only One who can fix

All the brokenness in the world

What a relief to be rid of that cumbersome burden

To turn it all over to God

To let Him handle it from now on

What a relief to know that

All the brokenness I failed to fix

Is in His Mighty hands

I no longer have to worry about it

Never

Ever again

~ Sandi

Hope at the End of the Rainbow

Bludgeoned by sorrow and grief

My heart was mangled and bleeding

 No one could fix it

No one could ease the piercing pain

Comfort my soul

Calm my fears

No one could deliver hope for today

For tomorrow

Or ever

Then after the pouring rain

God appeared to me in a rainbow

Reminding me of His promises

His love and faithfulness

His ever-present nearness

His healing touch

 And in that moment

Hope was restored

And my battered heart began to heal

~ Sandi

Nothing

As a child, I would lay in my bed, stare into the blackness and think scary things, like monsters being under my bed, or ghosts hiding in my closet or little men with knives crawling through my windows. But the most frightening of all was when the darkness transformed into a gigantic scary monster of nothingness. Total void and emptiness. No beginning and no end. No God. No heaven. No earth. No life. Nothing! And I’d cry till my crying became sobs.

Panicky, mom would rush to my side and ask what was wrong, but as hard as I tried, I couldn’t explain it to her. I didn’t know how to tell her that my mind had spiraled down a deep black hole of fear and despair; a bottomless pit of absolute nothingness.

Frustrated, mom would leave me, still crying, still consumed by the void and emptiness.

Then, through the oppressive darkness of my mind, I saw a soft glow and I knew God was there. Hope began trickling through my veins, the darkness dwindled and I drifted into a peaceful sleep.

Even today it is difficult to explain what I often felt as a child, especially in the oppressive darkness at bedtime. But I can tell you clearly that I am so thankful that my mother taught me that there is a God and that she took me to Sunday School where I learned more about Him and His awesome, unfailing love for me. I’m thankful that I learned to believe and trust in Him and that He has the power to dispel the darkness that often overtakes me. Most of all I am thankful that because of God, the Author of life and Creator of all things, the feelings of nothingness are mere ashes in the wind.

The Downside of Getting Old

old-people-4

Not only is it inconvenient

Old age comes at a bad time

With little or no benefits

And lots of aches and pains

Doctor’s appointments

And drugs

And BenGay

And laxatives

Most of our friends are either dead

Or in nursing homes

Or just don’t remember us

Teenagers think we’re from another planet

Middle-aged people wish we were on another planet

And the rest of society just doesn’t care

Bit by bit we lose our independence

Our eyesight

Our hearing

Our mind

We pine for the good old days

Pray for another day

And hope to get through the day

But I’m thankful that I’ve lived this long

I really am

I just wish I could have done it

Without getting old

~ Sandi