The Great Pretender

Pretenders

Rather than a game

Pretending was a way of life

I became a master at hiding my feelings

I’d just pretend I didn’t care

That I didn’t need friends

That it didn’t hurt me at all to feel invisible

Over and over again

Day after day

Year after year

I stuffed down the pain

And pretended it didn’t hurt

I didn’t realize I was building a bomb inside me

A mighty bomb of anger hate and rage

With a hair-trigger

That kept exploding inside me

Blowing up my sense of reason

My self-control

Shattering my mask

Exposing my nakedness

And I couldn’t pretend any more

It’s been a long painful journey

And it’s far from over

I’m slowly putting back the pieces of my life

Embracing the good the bad and the ugly

Changing what I can

Accepting what I can’t

And enjoying the freedom

Of not pretending anymore

~Sandi

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

Old Woman

Mirror mirror on the wall

I am my mother after all

My face is lined and wrinkled

My eyes are growing dim

My throat looks like a turkey’s neck

And hair’s growing on my chin

My butt’s the size of a barn

And my belly’s not far behind

All my body parts are sagging

And I’ve nearly lost my mind

I hope I’ve finally made her happy

As she looks down from heaven on high

To see that her fateful words came true

Before I roll over and die

~Sandi

Quiet, Please

QUIET!I don’t like noise

loud music

Barking dogs

Four wheelers zooming through the neighborhood

Sets my soul on fire

I feel violated

That the walls in which I live have been torn down

That intruders have stormed in

Destroying every thread of inner peace

And there’s no place to run

No place to hide where I feel safe

Where I can drown out the noise

Where My heart can stop pounding

Where my nerves can settle down

And all is at rest again

~Sandi

Squirrel Capers

Squirrel By Colin

Every morning he amuses me

Scrambling up and down the tree

Chasing his buddies

Jumping from limb to limb

Sitting on the ground

Eating from his tiny hands

His white belly glistening in the sun

He’s so cute

Until he jumps on the bird feeder

Chases all the birds away

Costing us a fortune

Dumping birdseed on the ground

That’s when I want to wring his scrawny neck

Cut off his bushy tail

And hang it on my car antenna

For all his fellow critters to see

Instead

I let the dog out

He likes squirrels

As much as I like snakes

Like a raging bull

He charges out the door

Barking and growling

His hackles sticking up

His Iron jaws clamping down

Barely missing the little guy

As he scrambles up the tree

Where he belongs

Where I wish he’d stay

Forever

But then

I’d miss all the fun

~Sandi

No Language Barrier

Photo1

I walked with my neighbor this morning

It wasn’t planned

We just began walking at the same time

She speaks very little English

I speak no Philipino

But we walked

Laughing at ourselves

Struggling to help the other understand

She said she is sixty-two

Patting her knees she grimaced

Arthritis

Pointing to the cloudy sky she stammered

The rain is coming

When we reached her house

She pointed to the weeds

In her beautiful flower bed

Patted the small of her back

And I understood well

The pain pulling weeds entails

Stopping at her driveway

We hugged and waved good-by

Wishing each other well

Our walk together helped me realize

That speaking a different language

Or wearing a different skin color

Doesn’t make us different at all

We are all people

Created in God’s image

Our hearts beating the same language

All over the world

~Sandi

The Garden of No Return

Paradise

She had it all

A home in paradise

A husband who adored her

The perfect wardrobe

The perfect diet

No bill collectors

No noisy neighbors

 No rebellious teenagers

But it wasn’t enough

She wanted more

The one thing she couldn’t have

So on that sunny day so long ago

She stood before the forbidden tree

Lusting

Her mouth drooling

To know more

To see more

To be like God

At least that’s what the Deceiver

That slithering snake led her to believe

Shoving her closer to the tree

With his lying forked tongue

Convincing her that God was holding back

I can hear his demented laughter

As she sunk her teeth into the luscious fruit

I can feel her horror

Her grief

Her shame

As the cloak of righteousness

Was stripped away

And her nakedness exposed

I can see her shivering in the freezing cold

Of reality

Of seeing what she had

Of knowing what she lost

Never to own again

I can see her young firm body shriveling

As death began running its course

I can hear her screams of remorse

As she staggered from her beautiful home in paradise

Never to enter again

What a terrible fate had it abruptly ended there

For Adam and Eve

For you and me

But it didn’t

In His love and mercy

God provided a way back to Him

When He sent His Son to die

That we may have eternal life with Him

In Paradise

Forever

~Sandi

For God so loved the world that He gave His one and only Son, that whoever believes in Him shall not perish but have eternal life. (John 3:16)

The Deep, Dark Dungeon

Hope in the Darkness

Into the darkness You came

You whispered my name

You took my hand

And the journey began

Down the steep dingy stairwell

Into the dungeon of my soul

Where I dare not tread before

And I was afraid

From the shadows of the past

I saw glaring eyes

Angry faces

Backs turned

Arms crossed

The condemning screams

Pierced my heart

Shattered my soul

Rocked my world

I felt worthless

Unloved

Unwanted

And I wept

I wanted to turn back

Then I felt Your gentle nudge

And we moved on

To the bottom of the stairs

Where I saw a tattered little girl

Gazing into a hazy room

Where her dad sat

Like a corpse

Staring into the abyss

Unaware of her tears

Her pain

Her longing to sit on his lap

To sink into his arms

To feel his heartbeat

His love

His protection

From the angry world in which she lived

But he never looked her way

Ever

Her eyes streaming with tears

She slowly turned around

And there He stood

Like a gentle Giant

Shining like the sun

Smiling down at her

Whispering her name

She stumbled to Him

 Collapsed into His open arms

And cried

And cried

And cried

And there at the bottom of the stairs

Of the dungeon of my soul

I traded my unloving dad

For a Dad who has always loved me

I just couldn’t see it before

I couldn’t believe it

I couldn’t feel it

But now I do

 ~Sandi

If You Love Something, Set it Free

Baby

As I sit here rocking you to sleep in my arms

I kiss your downy head and whisper

I will be the mother I never had

I will help you spread your wings

I will teach you to fly

I will catch you when you fall

I will cheer for you

I will fight for you

I will protect you

I will love honor and respect you

When you marry the girl of your dreams

I will step back

She will be your number one

Your true love

Your soul mate

And I will love her

When you have children

I will take another step back

Allowing you the joy and happiness

Of raising your own your own way

I will be the grandmother I once had

I will hold them on my lap

I will sing to them

Teach them Nursery Rhymes

And soar to unknown worlds with them

When you have grandchildren

I will take another step back

Watching from a distance

Sharing your joy and happiness

Feeling my heart swell with pride

Thanking God for blessing you

Your family and me

And though it may seem that I’ve fallen

Far behind the scenes

I know a piece of your heart

Will always belong to me

Because as I sit here

Holding you tightly in my arms

I promise to set you free

~Sandi

Monster Inside Me

Monster Inside Me

Some call it depression

Anxiety disorder

Bi-polar

Crazy

I call it Monster

She-Devil

Demon from Hell

I don’t know where it came from or how it got here

But it’s been my lifelong tormentor

My constant companion of blood and tears

Anger and rage

Fear and loneliness

Sometimes it lurks quietly in the shadows deep within

Other times it nearly charges through my chest

Ripping my heart to shreds

I’ve pretended all my life that it doesn’t exist

Who could love me if they ever saw the Monster inside me

Who would understand

Who would care

But I grew weary of hiding in the shadows of fear

Of pretending to be something I’m not

Of forever running from the truth

So I looked it square in the eyes and made peace with it

I admit that a Monster lives inside me

That I hurt others

That I am flawed

That I’m not always in control of my zillion emotions

That I don’t always like or understand myself

That I am not always the person I strive to be

But I thank God that He opened my eyes to the truth

That He loves me in spite of myself

That He will always be there for me

And that He is patiently taming the Monster inside me

~Sandi

Mary’s Little Lamb

Mary had a little Lamb

His heart was pure as gold

And everywhere that Mary went

Her Lamb was sure to go

Then before her very eyes

Her little Lamb grew up

The hour had come to make the climb

And drink His bitter cup

How Mary mourned for her little Lamb

She once cradled in her arms

And kissed away His hurts and fears

And protected Him from harm

In her heart she always knew

Her Lamb was born to die

To save the wretched world from sin

And give it eternal life

~ Sandi